My Young Person is Self-Harming: What Can I Do?

Finding out that a young person you care about is self-harming can be frightening. You might feel shocked, worried, confused or unsure about what to do next. You may find yourself asking why this is happening, whether you should talk about it, or how you can help. At the same time, your young person may be having their own reaction. They may be worried about how you will react, afraid of upsetting or disappointing you, or unsure about what will happen now that you know. They may find it difficult to explain what is happening for them, or worry about being judged or misunderstood. It can be difficult for both of you to know how to navigate the situation. There may be lots of feelings on both sides, and neither of you may have all the answers.

One of the first things I would encourage parents and carers to do is to try to slow things down. You don’t need to have all the answers straight away, and you don’t need to solve everything at once. Self-harm is important and it is something that should be taken seriously. But it can also be helpful to look beyond the self-harm itself and try to understand what might be happening for the young person underneath it.

Slow things down

When you discover that your young person is self-harming, it is understandable to feel frightened. You may immediately want to do something to make it stop, find out exactly what has been happening, or make sure it never happens again. These reactions often come from a place of care and concern.

When something feels frightening, it can be difficult to know what to do or say. Giving yourself a little time to pause can help you think about how you want to respond, rather than feeling that you have to react immediately.

You don’t need to have the perfect words. You don’t need to understand everything straight away, and you don’t need to work out exactly what to do next all at once. For now, the first step might simply be letting your young person know that you are there for them, while trying to understand what is happening for them.

Try to look beyond the self-harm

When a young person is self-harming, it can be easy for the self-harm itself to become the focus of everything. Parents and carers may understandably want to know:

How do I make this stop? Why are they doing this? How can I prevent it happening again?

These are important questions. But it can also be helpful to think about what the self-harm might be telling you about how your young person is feeling. Self-harm can be connected with difficult emotions, experiences or circumstances, and different young people may self-harm for different reasons. Sometimes a young person may understand why they are doing it, while at other times they may find it difficult to put into words.

It can be helpful to approach the situation with curiosity and try to understand what might be happening from your young person’s point of view. You might find yourself wondering:

What has been happening for them recently?

How have they been feeling?

Is there something they are finding particularly difficult at the moment?

What might they be trying to cope with?

What might self-harm be helping them to manage?

Where might self-harm fit within everything else that has been going on for them?

You don’t necessarily need to ask all of these questions directly. Sometimes it can simply be helpful to hold them in mind as you try to understand what your young person may be experiencing and where the self-harm fits within that. Being interested in what is happening for your young person, rather than focussing only on the self harm itself, can create space for them to begin talking when they are ready.

What might this be like for your young person?

It is also worth remembering that your young person may be experiencing the situation differently from you. You may be frightened because you have discovered that they are self-harming. They may be frightened about what will happen now that you know. They may be worried that you will be angry, disappointed or upset. They may not know how to explain what is happening, or they may not yet understand it themselves. They may also find it difficult to talk about self-harm because it can feel very personal.

This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ask about it. Talking openly about self-harm does not mean that you are putting the idea into a young person’s head. A calm and caring conversation can give them an opportunity to feel heard and understood.

At the same time, talking about self-harm doesn’t always have to mean sitting down and having a big, serious conversation. For some young people, talking side by side or while doing something together can feel less daunting than sitting face to face. You might find that a shared activity creates a more comfortable opportunity to talk. This could be going for a drive, playing a game together, going for a walk, or doing some crafting. Having something else to focus on can sometimes make it easier for a young person to find the words. Writing things down can also be an option. If talking feels too difficult, a young person might find it easier to write down how they are feeling or what they would like others to understand. Writing can provide an opportunity for a young person to organise their thoughts and put things into words at their own pace, rather than explaining things in the moment.

You don’t need to force the conversation, either. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is let your young person know that you are there, that you are willing to listen, and that they can come back to the conversation when they feel able to.

If you are reading this because you are self-harming and haven’t told anyone yet, you don’t need to have everything figured out before asking for help. You may not know how to explain what has been happening, or you may be worried about how someone will react. You can start with as much or as little feels manageable, and you can take things one step at at ime.

Focus on the feelings, not just the behaviour

When a young person is self-harming, it can be easy for conversations to become focused on the behaviour itself. But your young person is more than the fact that they self-harm. They are still the same person with the same interests, relationships, hopes, worries and everyday experiences. Maintaining that connection can be valuable. Making time to talk about ordinary things, spending time together and letting your relationship continue as normally as possible can help your young person feel that they are still seen as a whole person, rather than being defined by their self-harm.

It can also help to stay curious about their emotional world. Rather than only asking “Have you self-harmed again?”, there may be times when it is more helpful to ask “How have things been feeling for you?” or simply let them know that you are there if they want to talk. There isn’t a single right way to have these conversations. What matters is creating opportunities for your young person to feel listened to without judgement.

You don’t have to have all the answers

As a parent or carer, it is easy to feel that you should know what to do. You may worry that you’re saying the wrong thing, missing something important, or somehow making things worse. You don’t need to be an expert in self-harm to support your young person. You can be a parent or carer who is worried, who doesn’t have all the answers, and who is trying to understand.

Sometimes getting support for yourself can make it easier to support your young person. Having somewhere to talk through your concerns, ask questions and learn more about self-harm can help you feel less alone and more able to understand what might be helpful.

When to seek urgent help

Although it can be helpful to slow things down and try to understand what is happening for your young person, there will be times when more immediate help is needed. If you are concerned that your young person is in immediate danger, has seriously injured themselves, has taken an overdose, or you are concerned about an immediate risk to their life, seek urgent medical help. In Scotland, you can contact NHS 24 on 111 for urgent health advice. If there is an immediate risk to life, call 999.

If you are unsure how serious a situation is, it’s ok to seek advice. You don’t need to be able to assess the level of risk yourself before asking for help.

When might counselling help?

Counselling can provide a young person with a private, confidential space where they can talk about what is happening for them at their own pace. They don’t need to arrive knowing exactly what they want to talk about, and they don’t need to have everything figured out before they begin. For some young people, counselling may provide an opportunity to explore difficult thoughts and feelings, understand themselves better, begin to make sense of experiences that have been difficult to manage, and explore different ways of coping with difficult emotions.

I offer counselling to young people aged 12–25 in Aboyne, Aberdeenshire, and online across the UK. I have extensive experience supporting people affected by self-harm and emotional distress, alongside my training as a youth counsellor.

Support for parents and carers

I also offer individual parent information sessions for parents and carers who are supporting a young person experiencing emotional distress or self-harm. These sessions are not counselling for the young person, and they are not counselling for the parent or carer. Instead, they provide a private and confidential space to ask questions, learn more and think about what might be helpful for you and your young person.

Depending on your circumstances and what you would find helpful, this might include thinking together about how you can talk to your young person about self-harm, how you might respond when you are concerned, and what sources of support might be available. We can explore ways of understanding what may be happening for your young person and consider practical steps that might help you both. I can also provide information about resources and other sources of support that may be useful, and we can think together about whether further support may be appropriate.

The sessions are tailored to your individual circumstances, so there isn’t a set agenda or a list of things you need to cover. You can bring the questions or concerns that are most relevant to you.

Your young person does not need to be accessing counselling with me for you to arrange a session.

Sessions are available face to face in Aboyne or online across the UK.

You can find out more about parent information sessions here.

Finally

Finding out that your young person is self-harming can be a lot to take in. You don’t need to have all the answers immediately, or to solve everything at once. Taking a step back, slowing things down and trying to understand what your young person may be experiencing can be a helpful place to start.

Self-harm is something to take seriously, but it doesn’t have to become the only thing you see. Behind the behaviour is a young person who may be trying to manage difficult thoughts, feelings or experiences. Understanding what is happening for them, and helping them feel able to talk about it, can be a valuable part of supporting them.